When we envision ourselves planning a funeral, we never for one moment think it will be for one of our children. In our minds, funerals are for the elderly. But unfortunately, some parents finds themselves faced with the task of planning their child's funeral in the midst of their devastation and grief.
Although it seems it would be easier to hand the funeral planning off to someone else, planning the funeral yourself can actually help you through the grieving process. It's a chance to make sure everyone who attends the funeral remembers your child for the unique and special child he was, and to make sure his life is celebrated the way he would want it to be.
Immediately after the Death
- Touch, hold, bathe, dress, caress and talk to your child.
- Take pictures. You will be surprised at how you look at them.
- Decide if you want an autopsy to be performed. If you know how your child died, you may want to forego the autopsy.
- Consider organ donation. By donating one or several of your child's organs, a part of him can live on in another child.
The Funeral Service
- Remember, this is your child's service. Plan it yourself so that you have control of the way your child is remembered.
- Plan the funeral as a family.
- Take your time planning the funeral. Don't allow yourself to be rushed.
- Be creative. Design the service as you want. Include favorite toys, pictures, flowers, balloons or whatever symbolizes your child.
- Dress your child at the funeral home in one of his favorite outfits.
- Touch, hold and caress your child again.
After the Service
Burial
If you choose to have your child buried, consider:
- Is the cemetery close to home so you can visit often?
- Does the cemetery meet your religious requirements?
- Is the cemetery maintained?
- Are there additional plots nearby for other family members?
- What are the monument, flowers and decorations restrictions?
Cremation
Cremation offers the options of burying, keeping or scattering your child's ashes, according to the laws of your province or state. In addition, you still have the option of having a memorial service, complete with calling hours and a viewing.
Newspaper Announcement
The funeral director will work with the local newspaper to ensure an obituary is placed. There may be a cost for this, so check with the funeral director. Make sure you notify the director if you have specific organizations to which you would like memorial contributions to be sent.
The Rest of the Family
Other Children
Include your other children in the funeral service. It is important they be allowed to say goodbye, too. Have another adult close by who can leave with the child if he begins to feel uncomfortable. If a child doesn't want to attend the service, do not force him. Instead, make sure you allow a loving person to stay with your child who will not make him feel guilty for not attending the service.
Grandparents
Grandparents feel double grief because they have lost a grandchild and have to watch their son or daughter grieve. Make sure to include grandparents in the service, and allow them a private moment to see, touch and hold the child.
