"By helping children put their feelings outside of themselves, we can facilitate their healing. Sharing feelings diminishes the hurt."
"Breaking the Silence" (1996)
How much kids understand about death depends largely on their age, life experiences and personality. As they deal with death, they need space, understanding and patience, and they should be allowed to grieve in their own way. They might not show grief as an adult would. A young child might not cry or might react to the news by acting out or becoming hyperactive. A teen might act annoyed and might feel more comfortable confiding in peers. Whatever their reaction, don't take it personally. Remember that grieving is a process.
But watch for signs that your child needs help coping with the loss. If a child's behavior changes radically—for example, a friendly, sociable and easy-going child becomes angry, withdrawn or extremely anxious, or goes from straight As to Ds in school—seek professional help.
Explaining Death in a Child's Terms
It is natural to want to protect children from the pain and sadness associated with death. However, to grieve in a healthy way, children need to understand that death is a normal part of life. When talking to children about death:
- Use general, direct and simple language.
- Do not avoid the subject.
- Explain what "death" means. Explain that death means life has stopped and the deceased cannot return. Avoid terms such as "sleeping," "passed away" or "taken from us."
- Be honest.
- Encourage questions even though you may not have all the answers.
- Send the message that there is no right or wrong way to feel.
- Explain that most people live long lives, but sometimes children die. Make sure the child understands that everyone will die eventually.
- Explain that people die in a lot of different ways.
- Talk about death when the child brings it up.
- Talk about death when an everyday situation, such as seeing a dead bird, peaks the child's interest in the subject.
- Talk about death in a positive way.
- Read books to the child about the cycle of life.
- Allow and encourage the expression of feelings. Children will respond differently based on age and personality.
What a Child Can Understand
Newborn to 3 Years
Infants and toddlers have no understanding of death, but they are old enough to sense excitement, sadness and anxiety in the home. Their reaction to grief may become apparent in their eating or sleeping habits or by acting out and being extra fussy or clingy, or they may exhibit regressive behaviors. To support your child:
- Provide simple and honest explanations.
- Keep routines and structure whenever possible.
- Be verbally and physically affectionate and reassuring.
- Provide warm, loving caretakers when you are not available.
- Tell your child where you are going and when you will return.
- Provide a favorite toy or blanket for comfort
3 to 6 Years
Preschool-aged children:
- View death as temporary and reversible.
- Cannot understand that all people and living things eventually die, and that death is final.
- Continue to ask questions even after everything has been explained. Stay calm and reiterate that the child has died and cannot come back.
- Believe the death is the result of their own thoughts or actions, a punishment for their behavior. Assure them that it is no one's fault.
- May show increased regressive behaviors such as bedwetting, clinging, thumb sucking, crying and baby talk.
- May exhibit aggressive behaviors such as kicking, biting, pushing and yelling.
- May be more fearful of being separated from their parents.
- May talk about death a lot.
- May quickly go from happy to sad.
To support the child:
- Give simple and honest answers.
- Provide simple explanations of death.
- Use words such as dead, died, death. Avoid using misleading phrases, such as "went to sleep."
- Keep normal routines whenever possible.
- Provide opportunities for the child to express himself through play and art.
- Read books on death and loss with your child.
- Listen carefully to your child.
- Be ready to talk to your child about what he or she is thinking or feeling.
- Explain why people around them are sad and crying.
- Help your child understand how his life may be different without the person who died.
- Talk to your child about what will stay the same.
- Provide reassurance that your child did not cause the death.
- Provide reassurance that your child cannot "catch" death, like a cold.
6 to 9 Years
Children in this age group:
- Can grasp the finality of death, even if they don't understand that it will happen to every living thing one day.
- Should be given accurate, simple, clear and honest explanations about what happened.
- Form their definition of death from scary books, movies or violence seen on TV or in videogames.
- Personify death as the "Boogeyman" or a ghost.
- Make death a common theme in their play.
- Think death may be avoided by good behavior or wishing the situation away.
- May become behavioral problems at school or allow their grades to drop.
- May show anger toward the person who died or toward the people who could not save him.
- May experience insomnia, loss of appetite, stomach and headaches and extreme sadness.
- Have fears about death and concerns for their loved-ones safety.
- Believe that death is contagious.
To support your child:
- Give simple and honest answers.
- Provide simple explanations of death.
- Use words such as dead, died, death. Avoid using misleading phrases, such as "went to sleep."
- Keep normal routines whenever possible.
- Address distortions and perceptions.
- Be honest and tell your child if you do not know the answer to a question.
- Provide opportunities for the child to express himself through play and art.
- Read books on death and loss with your child.
- Listen carefully to your child.
- Be ready to talk to your child about what he or she is thinking or feeling.
- Explain why people around them are sad and crying.
- Help your child understand how his life may be different without the person who died.
- Talk to your child about what will stay the same.
- Provide reassurance that your child did not cause the death.
- Provide reassurance that your child cannot "catch" death, like a cold.
- Inform your child's school of the death so the staff can provide extra support.
9 to 12 Years
Children in this age group:
- Can think and reason even though their reasoning skills are not fully developed.
- Understand that death is final, irreversible and very common.
- Understand that the person died due to an illness, accident or traumatic event.
- Want scientific or detailed facts about the death.
- Are concerned about how their world will change.
- May be extremely sad and withdrawn and have insomnia, loss of appetite and fears of something happening to their loved ones.
- May feel they must take on responsibilities for which they are not prepared.
- May hide their feelings because they feel different, or because they don't want to worry their parents.
- May experience a delayed emotional response to the death followed by intense bouts of strength.
- Don't want others to respond to them or treat them differently.
To support your child:
- Talk to your child about what he is thinking and feeling.
- Be honest and tell your child if you do not know the answer to a question.
- Provide opportunities for the child to express himself through writing or art.
- Listen carefully to your child.
- Address the impulse to act out.
- Relieve the child from attempts to take on adult responsibilities.
- Talk to your child about what will stay the same.
- Inform your child's school of the death so the staff can provide extra support.
- Explain that feelings may come and go.
- Encourage your child to talk openly about his fears and concerns.
- Seek professional help if the grief remains uncontrolled.
12 to 18 Years
Teens understand death. They:
- Can think abstractly and are curious to know what it means to die.
- Struggle for their independence, so they may challenge the expectations of those who tell them how they should feel or act.
- May question the meaning of life and experience depression.
- May experience strong emotions but have difficulty expressing them. This may result in a change in their normal behavior.
- May choose to share their feelings with a sympathetic friend or adult rather than a close family member.
- May have difficulty coming to terms with the concept of mortality. They may cope by experimenting with drugs, driving erratically and being sexually promiscuous.
To support your child:
- Talk to your child about what he is thinking and feeling.
- Don't assume he can handle his problems on his own.
- Be available, but don't push.
- Relieve the child from attempts to take on adult responsibilities.
- Inform your child's school of the death so the staff can provide extra support.
- Encourage your child to seek the help of a professional if the grief remains uncontrolled.
- Involve your adolescent in the decision making process in regard to family matters.
- Offer him the chance to help plan and participate in the funeral service.
- Discuss feelings of helplessness
